Such Riches: Intimacy

Before having a baby, people mention all kinds of things to you. "It'll change your life forever." "You never knew you could love someone this much." "Don't let her take advantage of you." "Stick to your guns." "Wonderful!" "On purpose?" "Better you than me." etc. There are as many different parenting experiences as there are people, and advice or stories are often helpful but they need to be tailored to your individual situation. No piece of advice is groundless, nor is any completely applicable. We're on our own, while at the same time we're only doing what billions of people have done before us.

But no one ever said anything about intimacy. In my own life, there were different levels of intimacy with the different people in my life, though I never would describe my relationships as such until I was older and they became romantic. What a new world it was, being so vulnerable and yet so comfortable with another human. But what I knew as intimate was often informed by some sort of sexuality, and the two were interconnected. When sienna was born, and in the months since, I have had to redefine what it means to be intimate. On the one hand, I feel the same vulnerability as she teaches me of my weaknesses, and so too do I enter a space in which secrets don't exist. On the other hand, however, sexuality absent. Completely absent. It's something different, and it almost feels more pure. There's no pretense, no path. It's like those rare instances in which you can float on your back in warm water, staring up at the stars alone. In those moments, there is nothing else. Time and space become irrelevent because they are no longer bolstered by intention or history. I am treated to these treasures throughout the day with Sienna, and such a connection is both unexpected and magical. They plant seeds in me, a kind of a faith or hope. Surely, as time progresses, this intimacy will be lost, and I will look back longingly at the times we had together. I know that they will never come again, just as I know now that she will remember nothing of them. I can't help but feel sadness. If only we remembered...
Early on in laura's pregnancy I realized that we, as someone's child, have no concept for how much our parents love us. It doesn't matter how much you love them, because it'll never approach what they feel for you. Ever. Things come into focus, then.